Cat Scratch Fever!

So apparently "cat scratch fever" is totally for real.

This morning, just after 4 am, I woke up to my cat hissing and clawing at the window. My sleep-laden brain couldn't piece together the fact that he was genuinely upset, as opposed to restless and wanting attention, which is what I'm used to. So I walk over to the window saying, "Shhh, it's 4 AM, people, myself included, are tryi---HOLY F**K." The next thing I know my cat is hanging by his teeth from my right hand. Mother [insert a bunch of expletives], that hurt. I put him in the closet (the freshly cleaned one!) and go wash my hands. I don't see any blood, just painful scratches. The soap makes it burn, but it's 4 am and I'm really tired, I just want it over so I can go back to sleep. When I glance up at the mirror, I notice that I'm white as a sheet and as soon as I realize this, I immediately realize that I need to sit down.

I walk back in my room and the cat is back by the window (yeah, he figured out how to open the closet door while I was washing my hands). I draw back the curtain and there's a fat orange cat sitting on the window ledge taunting my cat. Of course, one look at me and he scampers off. I get light headed and squeeze my eyes shut, but it's too late, I've already fallen back on the bed.

My alarm goes off at 5:36a and I roll over to turn it off, it's at this time that I notice my hand is dark and sticky. Oh, and did I mention I'm about to puke? My hand is covered in blood; part dry and crusty, and part thick and sticky. Upon inspection, I realized that there's a triangle shaped hole on my knuckle between my middle and ring finger. Holding it up to a ruler, it's about 1/4-inch wide and gaping.

It's now 12:50p and I've lost full function of my pointer, middle, and ring finger (the joints are stiff and burning and kind of stuck). And I've been having cold sweats. Since this is my dominant hand, I can't tell you how frustrating this is. I can't hold a pen or click a computer mouse without white hot searing pain. From mid-forearm down, everything is a steady throb and I keep glancing down convinced it's going to combust into flames at any second.

Internet tells me that this is all part of a bacteria infection from cat's saliva that's normal. They say if it's still painful in 2-3 weeks, see a doctor. I can tell you right now that I'm definitely not waiting 2-3 weeks. I CAN'T USE MY HAND and that's not an exaggeration. It was hard enough making a sandwich for lunch with a weak hand and an elbow. Twisty ties are sent from the devil.

Oh, did I mention the arm that isn't suffering from cat scratches was freshly vaccinated. Five shots to be exact (and 3 more this week). So I can't even lift my left arm very far. (This made replacing the shower heads fun, let me tell you.)

I need a rascal wheelchair and a personal nurse.

Welcome to adulthood.